My Only Treasure...

Her name is Ellise Phoebe Madison, I usually call her by Beans. The angel that makes me the proudest mom ever. She's smart, she's pretty, she's talented and she understands all the pain I've been through... She's always say "Mama, Ada nac la ditoy dinam..." which means , "Mama, I'm just here for you...", whenever she see me crying. She hugs me and wipe my tears with her little fingers. For all those trials I've been through these past few months I can say she's my only hope... As she smiles, I hope....

I am a sucker of Supernatural

I can't help myself to watch this series whenever it's on. And because I am a great fan I even bought DVD's of the series. I got Supernatural season 1 up to season 5. I've got the season 6 as well but it's not complete since it's still on air. I love the way Jensen portrayed the character of Dean Winchester. It was so natural!

Another series I am addicted to is Master's of Horror which you can buy online at mastersofhorror.net. The stories are so unique and you would get hooked the first time you watch it. I also bought DVD's of it as well. It's like the Twilight Zone but more brutal.

Well, I am a sucker of weird movies and horror flicks. I inherited the like from my mom which also is a big fan of both the series I've mention. I am still in search of wonderfully created horror films or series.

Guinea Pig series a Japanese series is the most gruesome, most brutal series you will ever watch. Though I only watched like few episodes of this I did loved it. It was so uniquely captured that you would want more to it. You can even get carried away and after watching it, you'll be thinking what if there's such thing?

Twilight Zone is the God of all weird series. It was perfect for someone like me who enjoys viewing such category of films/tv series.

sigh... so many problems... so little time....

everyday life

as we living on this world, and still were all alive, there's always a problem
and when there is a problem there is hope..
be positive or else your life not be happy
and pray to God always. No matter what happen
still God is the solution...

I am fragile... and I hate GOING OUT!

May 16, 2011

I hate going out! As much as possible I don’t want to go out. If it wasn’t only for my few trips to our office for twice a week meetings and if only I have someone to do groceries for me, well, if only I have money to pay for that someone. Anyway, I never had the energy to go out I always felt like I am carrying a huge baggage whenever I go out it’s like my calvarias. I know you don’t care why. But I’ll tell it to you anyway. The only thing that is holding me off is my husband’s recent death. Yes, I can’t move on. I don’t know how. Mom, Dad, and my dearest sister forgive me for saying so but I am really trying I just can’t. Whenever I see people laughing and happy, or couples walking pass me, or family who are together, it’s like I have this huge whole in my heart. A lot of what if’s. What if I am perfect and he wouldn’t have to cheat on me, or what if he has been the ideal husband, with a perfect job and we live in a perfect harmony, what if I got back to him even though he keeps on cheating on me with a whore, what if I just stayed and be the martyr that I used to be for 5 years, what if… then he wouldn’t have to die? He wouldn’t have to go back to the life he once forgotten years ago? So many questions that keeps on running in my mind whenever I go out and just to see people happy.  I am bitter. I will be the most pretentious person if ever I deny the fact that I am lonely, that I am dying inside. There were times; I say to myself, I am now doing ok. See, I am writing an article about moving on and poems about how I will move on but deep inside it was just my brain which is working, and just a part of my heart… but the remaining part was saying I am so down, alone, and will remain to be the saddest person till I die.  I remember him whenever I walk down the street, I remember him asking me some questions which before didn’t catch any of my interest. Like, “will there be a soap made out of Guava? Cause there’s this papaya, and calamansi, and even avocado! In that way we wouldn’t be needing sponge to scrub our body just the soap” and there’s this; “What if I get rich, so rich that I will perfect all your imperfections, what part of you will you be doing first?” and the funniest question he keeps on asking me every Christmas; “If we will go and knock on every door and sing Christmas carol, let’s say 1 million houses in a month, then we will have a million pesos by then, right Mama?” Mama, he always calls me that, and I miss that…  The first question has been answered, thanks to Hortaleza Products from HBC here in the Philippines, when I was out doing my weekly groceries just last week, a green block of soap catches my eyes… it was like a magnet that urges me to go inside HBC shop and buy that product. It was guava soap! Then I suddenly realized it was useless buying it, since now he’s not here to even try it. I keep the soap inside his bag with his clothes.

I can still see him at our block sitting at the corner of our street and the street of Real Estate, that’s the name of the street parallel to ours, ours is Salary, anyway, I was walking  and suddenly I stopped just to imagine he was there. Because whenever he visits me in our place when we were still boyfriends-girlfriends, he always hid and then startles me. He was playful, even after we got married and had a daughter he acts like a kid always hiding and always attempting to scare me. But he always fails because I never get startled or scared. I just laugh at him. I miss that about him…

I miss putting my fingers in his mouth whenever he yawns, he hated that. I miss pulling the hairs on his legs and even insisting him to shave; he said shaving legs are for gays. I miss us chasing up the stairs whenever I close the lights downstairs. I miss massaging his head and pulling his hair after which ended up us both laughing hysterically. I miss hugging him from behind whenever his doing something like, washing dishes or cooking. I miss fighting over the TV remote control that ended up me winning. I miss watching horror flicks and corny Pinoy movies with him, that when he already watched a certain movie he narrates it all throughout the movie, which I hate but love at the same time. These are just the few things I miss about him…

Do you ever get the feeling that you just want to vanish? I do! I want to just get away. Escape reality, live with my dreams of being with him and my daughter. Living in this simple but perfect house on the lakeside. Having breakfast on a table at the back of that house staring at the perfect scenario of sunrise on the lake. Then when afternoon comes around, the three of us can enjoy the sunset together. Full of love, and happiness… A dream I wouldn’t want to wake up to.

He was my lover, my bestfriend, my worst enemy, the brother I never had, my confidant, my happiness, my life… He was my husband. Yes he cheated on my trice or four times I lost count. Yes he wasn’t that responsible. Yes he did hurt me every time we fight. Yes he left me and my daughter for his friends and vices. Yes he wasn’t perfect. Yes I was a martyr. But yes I love him with all that I am. Now and forever…

Past.... Present.... Future....

Don't get stuck in the past,
Where you linger on and on in familiarity,
And replay old memories over and over again.
Don't overindulge in the future,
Where you daydream about leading a grand life endlessly,
And imagine the sweetest days you could ever live.
Don't neglect your present,
Where true life begins to unfold and pass you by silently,
And you wonder about missed opportunities and lost moments.
For lessons, quietly contemplate about your past,
And you might realize life has cleverly placed you in situations,
That demanded you to raise up to the challenges and to grow.
To reduce your anxiety and panic attacks, make plans for your future,
And you might see that your dreams and goals are acting like guiding lights,
Shining the path for you to follow through and learning to overcome your fears.
To avoid the state of merely existing, be aware of your present,
And you might notice that you are part of a grander scheme,
Where the past is long gone and the future has yet to come,
And that your present is the most precious moment you could ever feel.
Your past and your future both lie in your present,
Where your present wields the power to influence and change,
The way you think about your past either with gratitude or with regret,
And shape your future to either a success or a failure.
Live totally in the present,
Enjoying each and every moment,
Where it is all happening,
Where it truly matters.

To Let Go (for All)

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off...
It's the realization that I can't control another...
To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective,
It is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

Vivid Lucid Dream - April 8, 2011

I dreamt of Jhun, my late husband, last night. In my dream I was in a place like a school or something. Then I saw Jhun wearing black shirt staring at me from outside the room. Because of my eagerness to just touch and talk to him, I went outside and followed him. It was gloomy so I couldn’t really see where I am heading but I really want to be with him so I keep on walking, then we ended up in a sphere like place where inside of the blue rayed cover of the sphere was an old tree, a nun and one of my childhood best friend Joy. I saw Jhun and then we hugged. He wasn’t saying anything just like in my past dreams about him he wasn’t talking. But the dream was so lucid that I can feel his arms around me as if it was real. I could feel the warmness of his skin and his body was soft unlike the last time I hugged him during his funeral he was as stiffed as a log. The nun was just behind him so I took the courage to talk to her. I asked her where we were and she answered; “You are in the purgatory.” As soon as she told me that, Jhun then just pushed me out of the sphere. I wanted to go back and be with him but the Sphere disappeared leaving me and my childhood best friend behind. I asked my childhood bestfriend what she was doing in there and she answered; “I must be just dreaming…”  We both went back to the school or whatever that place was when we came across a playground. It was so familiar, like me and Jhun spent some time in there or something so I told Joy I don’t want to be there because it will only remind me of Jhun. So we went off. As we entered the room a guidance counsellor was scolding us. She even keeps on saying to me that the place we went through doesn’t exist that we must not tell stories about it for an excuse. But one thing for sure, real or not, deep inside of me I am somewhat happy I saw Jhun and hugged him even though it wasn’t real. Though I keep on thinking about him being in the purgatory, I now realized if he was really in there then I must pray for his soul… He suffered lots of pain here on earth and even though he did cheat on me for many times or even done so many bad things when he was alive, I still feel I must still pray for the saviour and forgiveness of his sins…

So today, I will pray the novena. I even cook Jhun’s favourite food, Chicken arroz-caldo. I know it is a little crazy but tradition here in Philippines is that when we cook dead ones favourite we have to serve it on the altar, it’s called food for the dead.

I was touched...

I was crying while writing about the story of Jhun and me.  For whenever I remember how happy we were back then I just wish he was still with me. I miss him so much and no matter how he have hurt me in the pass I am willing to forget everything and to accept him again just for him to come back to me. I miss the days when we were still living the simple life. Not much money to live on but we were happy because we were together as family…. I pity myself and my daughter for now we have to live without Jhun. That we have to survive and move on with tears in our eyes and pain in our heart. Oh how I wish there’s this Time machine that I would just go back where we used to be. Just the three of us again… Every night as I sleep I cuddle my pillow and imagine it was him, every morning when I wake up, I stare on his picture and imagine he was there and caressing my face and saying “Good Morning Mama”… I am in great sorrow right now and I have no remedy for the pain that I am feeling. I am here in Manila because I have to work, my baby is in the province with my mom, and my husband is dead…. This maybe the saddest time of my life.

Becoming a young widow....

Becoming a young widow can entail multiple challenges. It is harder to find peers, since I have a young daughter and there is a social stigma to cope with.

When one thinks of a widow, the image that comes to mind is someone who is old. One imagines a woman with gray hair dressed in black whose husband has likely died of cancer or a heart ailment following a long marriage, the children grown, the property paid off. However, I am a twenty four year old widow and my husband didn’t die by such ailments but by a tragic death...He was murdered.

While one's youth can make it easier to start to rebuild one's life again, being a young widow, that I am, is complicated by the fact that I rarely have a peer group of other widows for support, and I have school age child to support, and there is a stigma attached to being widowed in the singles community.

While people don't necessarily, and perhaps unfairly, expect an older widow to remarry or have intimate relationships anymore, people often expect a young widow, like myself, to bounce back into the dating scene quickly. This can be a mistake. It is wrong in some point. I should take all the time I needs to feel the emotions of my loss and not rebound into another relationship from fear, anxiety, loneliness or the desire to obtain a father for my daughter.

Beauty or Beast

 

This is Florante Bayle.58 years old. My uncle, cousin of mom’s. He has a rare skin disease called Neurofibromatosis , but despite of his appearance he has many goals in life. He is kind and very helpful. And when it comes to news and current affairs he is always updated. He’s like a walking radio.
Fury, as we call him, was raised with despise from his own father. He was my grandmother’s adopted son since he was unwanted in their home. He stays with my grandmother until his father died. Though he wasn’t born with the disease, he grown with it. He was 13 years old when rashes occurred in his skin. And ofcourse because he live in the society where they blame nature for everything they said he was cursed. Not believing my grandmother, his aunt, brought him to Manila to be cured but at that time, 1960’s cure for his disease was not yet invented. They did try everything from herbals to medicals. From medical doctors to faith healers and witch doctors. Nothing happened. He has no choice but to grow with the “skin”. This doesn’t stop him from reaching some goals in his life, like being everybody’s bestfriend. He is the friendliest guy in our neighborhood. Children, look at him like Santa Claus during Christmas cause whenever he has money or chocolates (given by his sister in Germany), he shares them without hesitation. He helps out in the family by being a male nanny to his nephews and nieces and now even to their children! Not only in the family that he shares that role has he also taken care some of the children here in our place. And he is a great story teller, he tells stories of folklore and such when I was just a kid.
“He’s a beast! He must be burnt to death!” said his father. He chases him with 2x2 thick stick and throw rocks at him whenever he sees him. Poor Fury doesn’t even curse or hated his father by doing that to him. He says, “I am blessed with family whom loved me so dearly, not having a father at my side doesn’t bother me at all!”
We all love him here, he will always be beautiful even not by appearance but by his works, he is Beauty. I will not argue with the comments he receives everyday by those who doesn’t know him personally, because, mostly of those who judge him are those who have flaws even not in appearance but as a person. I am a witness of this person’s good deeds. And nothing in this world can ever pay whatever he did for us, for our community, for those he touched their lives.

Rose Garden (for my Grandma)

My Grandmother

In my Rose Garden of memories
I see you standing there
An angel in disguise
Who taught me how to care
I long to hear your voice
for real not in my dreams
I am missing you so much these days
how empty my world seems
People say time heals all wounds
that someday the pain will subside
But Grandma I can tell you
I think they must have lied
The emptiness I am feeling now
is strong and I am weak
These days go by without you
so dreary and so bleak
In my Rose Garden of memories
I know you'll always be
for though you're gone
from this mortal world
In my heart you'll always be

NEVER GONE AWAY ( for Jhun)

Two worlds divide – the show stops me on the way -
This makes the memories never go away;
This is my world or the world I loved and it went away;

The survival of the tears from my eyes;
The pain became months and years –
I thought - yet the fear – never went away –
She was mine – until the final day;

My day was beacon shining in my day;
The dark became my starlight;
I thought – yet my love – never went away –
This makes the memories never go away -

The way I burn (for Jhun)

i miss you so much Papa
i wish you were here with me and forever
because you and i are meant for each other
i hate to think that we would never be together
days and nights go by without you my love and oh how much i long for your love
all i want is to see your face again
kiss your lips and wrap you around my arms
i love you Papa
you're my soulmate and the heart that pounds deep inside of me
you're my everything
we will never see each other
i know the distance between us is too long
and you're so far away from me
i want you so badly my love
you're the only one for me
you're the only one that understands me Papa,
there's nothing like you and i
maybe,when I die we'll meet once again
and sleep next to each other for eternity
and then i'll be the happiest i've ever been

My childhood... fairy tales, stuff toys and the like.

When I was a lil girl bout seven years old, I used to sleep at my grandmother's room. She would read me stories about fairies and princesses and fantasies. So I imagined life like that tragedy or sad at first but in the end there are happy endings and weddings and castles. Well, except about the story of the little mermaid of course not the Disney version but the true version where the mermaid did die. But nevertheless, I thought life would be that simple, like Rapunzel, or Cinderella, or that girl who wore face mask just to hide from her parents, the king and queen. My grandmother who just passed away last year was very religious as well, after reading me bedtime stories; she would reach for her rosary and began her three times a day novena. I can still picture her holding her rosary and praying but not only that whenever I hear a rosary being held or the certain sound of beads clashing I would remember her... Funny thing about my grandmother is that she's always in the kitchen. She spends her quality time cooking and well, I really can't recall the rest but she always have something to do in the kitchen. It was her territory.  She was a good cook, my grandma. But she never teaches me how to cook, she would be furious whenever I am there watching her do her thing since our dirty kitchen isn't that spacious, she hates being interrupted or people around her territory unless it's feeding time. So I mostly spend my leisure time talking and playing with my stuffed toys... alone.
I wasn't a sad child, I have a sister. But you know how big sisters are they bully you and leave you to play with other big kids on the block. I am not saying we don't get along, we do. I even cried when she had this boyfriend of hers and decided to move out.  We have fights like real enemies and we have bonding like perfect sisters.
I love watching movies and TV series when I was a kid since, I WAS a kid. I even feel like when I watch a movie, like I am a part of it. But when the ending comes, well, my being part of it also ends.
You might say my life as a kid was that of the average. I go to school, come home, work on homework and watch hell lots of TV. Nothing special... but as you keep on reading my stories you will find my life very "little Mermaid" full of tragedy but also full of love.
My grandma never did teach me how to cook, or pray the rosary or how to clean the house. Just like she never told me what real life was all about that life isn't that of the fairy tales she used to tell. But one thing she teach me that I could never ever will forget, when you feel so weak, look at those who loves you and you will feel stronger than ever.  She was widowed at a young age like me and all that she did cling on up until she died was my mom...