May 16, 2011
I hate going out! As much as possible I don’t want to go out. If it wasn’t only for my few trips to our office for twice a week meetings and if only I have someone to do groceries for me, well, if only I have money to pay for that someone. Anyway, I never had the energy to go out I always felt like I am carrying a huge baggage whenever I go out it’s like my calvarias. I know you don’t care why. But I’ll tell it to you anyway. The only thing that is holding me off is my husband’s recent death. Yes, I can’t move on. I don’t know how. Mom, Dad, and my dearest sister forgive me for saying so but I am really trying I just can’t. Whenever I see people laughing and happy, or couples walking pass me, or family who are together, it’s like I have this huge whole in my heart. A lot of what if’s. What if I am perfect and he wouldn’t have to cheat on me, or what if he has been the ideal husband, with a perfect job and we live in a perfect harmony, what if I got back to him even though he keeps on cheating on me with a whore, what if I just stayed and be the martyr that I used to be for 5 years, what if… then he wouldn’t have to die? He wouldn’t have to go back to the life he once forgotten years ago? So many questions that keeps on running in my mind whenever I go out and just to see people happy. I am bitter. I will be the most pretentious person if ever I deny the fact that I am lonely, that I am dying inside. There were times; I say to myself, I am now doing ok. See, I am writing an article about moving on and poems about how I will move on but deep inside it was just my brain which is working, and just a part of my heart… but the remaining part was saying I am so down, alone, and will remain to be the saddest person till I die. I remember him whenever I walk down the street, I remember him asking me some questions which before didn’t catch any of my interest. Like, “will there be a soap made out of Guava? Cause there’s this papaya, and calamansi, and even avocado! In that way we wouldn’t be needing sponge to scrub our body just the soap” and there’s this; “What if I get rich, so rich that I will perfect all your imperfections, what part of you will you be doing first?” and the funniest question he keeps on asking me every Christmas; “If we will go and knock on every door and sing Christmas carol, let’s say 1 million houses in a month, then we will have a million pesos by then, right Mama?” Mama, he always calls me that, and I miss that… The first question has been answered, thanks to Hortaleza Products from HBC here in the Philippines, when I was out doing my weekly groceries just last week, a green block of soap catches my eyes… it was like a magnet that urges me to go inside HBC shop and buy that product. It was guava soap! Then I suddenly realized it was useless buying it, since now he’s not here to even try it. I keep the soap inside his bag with his clothes.
I can still see him at our block sitting at the corner of our street and the street of Real Estate, that’s the name of the street parallel to ours, ours is Salary, anyway, I was walking and suddenly I stopped just to imagine he was there. Because whenever he visits me in our place when we were still boyfriends-girlfriends, he always hid and then startles me. He was playful, even after we got married and had a daughter he acts like a kid always hiding and always attempting to scare me. But he always fails because I never get startled or scared. I just laugh at him. I miss that about him…
I miss putting my fingers in his mouth whenever he yawns, he hated that. I miss pulling the hairs on his legs and even insisting him to shave; he said shaving legs are for gays. I miss us chasing up the stairs whenever I close the lights downstairs. I miss massaging his head and pulling his hair after which ended up us both laughing hysterically. I miss hugging him from behind whenever his doing something like, washing dishes or cooking. I miss fighting over the TV remote control that ended up me winning. I miss watching horror flicks and corny Pinoy movies with him, that when he already watched a certain movie he narrates it all throughout the movie, which I hate but love at the same time. These are just the few things I miss about him…
Do you ever get the feeling that you just want to vanish? I do! I want to just get away. Escape reality, live with my dreams of being with him and my daughter. Living in this simple but perfect house on the lakeside. Having breakfast on a table at the back of that house staring at the perfect scenario of sunrise on the lake. Then when afternoon comes around, the three of us can enjoy the sunset together. Full of love, and happiness… A dream I wouldn’t want to wake up to.
He was my lover, my bestfriend, my worst enemy, the brother I never had, my confidant, my happiness, my life… He was my husband. Yes he cheated on my trice or four times I lost count. Yes he wasn’t that responsible. Yes he did hurt me every time we fight. Yes he left me and my daughter for his friends and vices. Yes he wasn’t perfect. Yes I was a martyr. But yes I love him with all that I am. Now and forever…
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